Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize