Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
