Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
