every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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