dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Randomize
