Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
