i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
