It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
