You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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