sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
