I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
