does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
