those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
