Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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