i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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