____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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