I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
