bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
