Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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