I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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