I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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