Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
