No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
