Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
