Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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