Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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