Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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