Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
