so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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