If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
