foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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