So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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