I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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