Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
