Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
