I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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