Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
