At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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