just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
