I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
