So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
