I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
