pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You are a genius and a whore.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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