just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
