***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
