On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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