lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
