you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
did i walk over a car last night?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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