Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
