I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
